Today: The Townie.

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I am fairly certain I’ve mentioned before my dreams of becoming a detective, or even just a regular officer of the law.  The thing is, I like working regular hours and I don’t think I’d ever want to walk around with a weapon on my belt.  Incidentally, I hate wearing belts.  And I like the security of walking around with a handbag.  I have never seen an on duty officer with a handbag.

Every now and then, though, a local crime story catches my attention and I find myself obsessing over the facts and questions.  I’ve said it before, and I will say it again, I don’t like when bad things happen, but I do like when justice is served.  So imagine my fascination when one of the year’s semi-biggest news story hits home.  Literally.  The home of my brother.

Do I have your attention?  Okay.  So.  The Town opens in theaters on Friday to much fanfare.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QQ7wcayQQLQ&fs=1&hl=en_US]

According to the trailer, Charlestown produces more bank and armored car robbers than any where else in the country.  I have some evidence that points to this statement being (at least slightly) true.

It was a crisp January evening when my older brother returned home from a late night at the law firm.  As he approached his Charlestown apartment, he found shattered glass littering the sidewalk.  What he didn’t find was his car.  This, dear friends, is the Townie: (one of ) the true stories behind The Town, an interview with an innocent victim of Charlestown’s ruthless bank robbery machine, a night we will not soon forget (because it is forever immortalized on this pathetic blog).

[Some of the specifics (like my brother’s street address and social security number) have been omitted to protect the innocent you know, like, the people involved.  This is, however, a completely real scenario.  Bible.]

Imaginary Det. Elizabeth: Earlier this year, your sport utility vehicle was stolen from the streets of Charlestown and driven to Waltham, where the “perps” robbed a bank and took the police and Feds on a wild goose chase.  Walk us through this.

My brother: After we realized that the car was missing, I called all of the towing companies in the city and determined that it hadn’t been towed.  Then, we discovered a pile of broken glass next to where the car had been.  (This was a good clue that it had been stolen and not towed.)  But I didn’t learn that it was involved in a bank robbery until the following day.  I got a call from law enforcement saying that my car had been recovered but was being held as evidence in a “serious crime.”  Eventually I learned that it was a bank robbery.  No one could tell me whether the car was damaged in the heist.   A month and a half later, I got it back.

Imaginary Det. Elizabeth: A month and half is a long time to be dusting for fingerprints, but from what I have gathered in my dossier on the case, justice is being served.  Have you ever met a bank robber in real life?

My brother: Not knowingly.  But, based on the movie trailer, it’s likely that I encounter bank robbers on a pretty regular basis: in line at Dunkin’ Donuts, in Johnnie’s, outside Sully’s, and in the hangout spot between CVS and Papa Gino’s.

Imaginary Det. Elizabeth: Hangout spot?  That sounds creepy.  You should probably do your food shopping outside of Charlestown from now on.  Tell the truth.  When your car was returned to you, was there any money stashed in the glove compartment or under the floor mats?

My brother: No comment.  Except that I did get a new ski mask.

Imaginary Det. Elizabeth: Interesting.  Do you have any other comments to share with our readers?

My brother: If the thieves are reading this, I want my bungee cords back!

Welp, there you have it.  I haven’t seen the Town yet, but if this gripping interview I forced my brother to engage in is any indication, we have a real-life crime thriller on our hands.  Ripped from the headlines, as they say.  I wonder what Serena van der Woodsen‘s Boston accent sounds like.

Also On Tap for Today:

• Photos from The Town premieres
• I PR’d at last night’s summer series race!  🙂
• How adorable are these MacBook cutting boards?
• Can’t get enough of OTFT?  Subscribe! Twitter! Facebook! Woo!

Have you ever had anything stolen?  Are you going to see The Town?