*Please excuse the overabundance of Christmas references. I am in full on elf mode and can’t help myself. No matter what you believe and celebrate, I am wishing you and yours a very happy and healthy season!
You might be scrambling for thoughtful, although last minute, gifts for kith and kin. And since On Tap for Today is the internet’s most reliable source of information (second only, perhaps, to the wikipedia pages I myself have edited), here you are.
Or maybe, you’re completely bored and there are no Golden Girls marathons on today. Or even more likely, you searched for something important… like, which beers are on tap at your local spot today. Whoops. I welcome you, irregardless.
This time of year, the internet is overflowing with gift guides, promising to lead you to the Golden Fleece of presents. One that will never be re-gifted, but rather treasured for all time. While the other folks will tell you what to buy, I felt it my duty to advise you of the opposite.
In some particular order, the five presents you must not buy:
- Manties, Mantyhose, or Manx. For the imaginationally challenged, those are panties, pantyhose and Spanx specially designed for men. (Please do your own Yahooing, I do not want to be held responsible for providing links for these.) I am all for gender equality, but since when is the right to wear pantyhose something one would actively seek out? Equal pay? Hell, yes. But pantyhose? Really? This is one of those gifts you should entrust your friends and loved ones to purchase for themselves. Enter the gift card.
- Sure, the Mr. Toad Bathroom Butler may be marked down from $169.99 to $74.95 on Amazon… but there are times when saving 56% is a bad thing. In this case, it’s a very bad thing.
- The Flowbee Vacuum Haircut System promises you’ll “have fun, save money” and that this futuristic vacuum attachment is “safe and easy to use.” Safe or not, this thing is terrifying. This photo, which happens to feature Rick Hunts, Flowbee inventor, suggests that my vacuum has the power transform the men in my life into Miami Vice characters. And maybe the hair that’s sucked off their heads will mistakenly shoot out onto their faces, giving them an awkward mustache. Is that really worth the $99.99?
But wait… haircut clean up is only a suction away! Nope. This is still a bad idea. Don’t buy it. You might want to visit their site, however. The picture of the lady Flowbee-ing is priceless.
- We have high ceilings in our condo, and I often wonder what we will do the day something happens up there. I am not sure what that something might be… but it would be handy to have some sort of collapsible ladder around. I’m all for practical gifts. Things people will use, and even better, might need. I am not all for practical gifts that might cause bodily harm, like… say… the Telesteps 12 1/2 Aluminum Telescoping Ladder.
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LRvEsonVXWA&hl=en_US&fs=1&]
If you’re laughing right now, you’re completely sick. And you just earned membership in my exclusive club.
- And last but not least, the final gift you should not, under any circumstances, go out and buy for a loved one this Christmas: those weird little hamster toys. I’m not including them on this list because of GoodGuide‘s warning that they contain higher than allowed levels of the chemical antimony. Heck, I don’t even know what an antimony is. I just think these toys are plain old creepy. Who wants a robotic rodent tooting around their home, underfoot. And what if your child loved their mock hamster, but an unsuspecting relative tried to play the hero, squashing the wee electronipet and saving your family’s holiday meal from infestation? Now that would make for a great story.
At the end of the day, there may be no better present than your presence. Unless you’re a bad person. Just kidding… you’re perfect. Back away from the last minute “deals” and just show up as your merry self. After all, we celebrate Christmas* because Baby Jesus arrived… not because He arrived with a Zhu-Zhu pet.
Also On Tap for Today:
- How cool are these caroling word garlands?
- Nick and I are celebrating Christmas a bit early, before he and the puppy head north to Nick’s parents’ house
- Remember those seat and reach tests we had to take in Phys. Ed.?
How are you/have you been celebrating the holidays? Do you have a favorite tradition to share? Or a particularly awful special present?
Comments (9)
Rain
December 23, 2009 at 4:25 pm
OMG. I can’t believe the Flowbee is still around. My FIL actually got one of those things when they were new…back in the 80’s. They ARE scary. I have seen pictures, and oh my, danger!
Infertile Mind
December 23, 2009 at 11:20 pm
I’m with Rain – I’m literally in shock that the FlowBee still exists. What a great white elephant gift idea, though!
Great post, by the way, made me laugh.
ICLW hugs and here’s to hoping that none of those items show up under the tree or in my stocking!
Elizabeth
December 24, 2009 at 9:11 am
Haha! The Flowbee would be the ultimate white elephant. Thanks for stopping by, ladies!
Alana-isms
December 24, 2009 at 10:07 am
Thanks for your ICLW comment—returning the visit.
The QVC video cracked me up…”Oh, we’ll just make sure he’s okay.” Um yeah, that would be nice.
And I’m with you and the other commenters—Flowbee REAAALLLY scary!
Happy holidays to you! 🙂
Stephanie
December 24, 2009 at 1:04 pm
This is a very useful list. You’re right, there’s an overabundance of “what to buy”. We all need reminders that it’s crucial to avoid Manx and mantyhose purchases.
😉
BODA weight loss
Jen
December 26, 2009 at 5:18 pm
Love the telescoping ladder, though probably awful that I laughed! The Flowbee reminds me of the “Suck-cut” from Wayne’s World…thought the idea died there.
Oh, and I am so thankful my kids either don’t know about Zhu-Zhu pets or don’t care. Not a one has mentioned them to me, and thankfully, none appeared under our tree this year!
~ICLW
staciet
December 27, 2009 at 6:00 pm
Here from ICLW.
What a funny list of what not to buy! ha. Hope you had a nice holiday!
Emma @ Baby-log.com
December 28, 2009 at 8:38 am
This post is hysterical 🙂 loved it. Thanks to ICLW I found your blog and will stick around.
Cheers,
Emma.
C h i r l e e n
December 28, 2009 at 2:30 pm
Great list!!!
ICLW