Today: My dog is The Biggest Loser.

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He’s down three whole pounds this year.  That’s 10% of his furry body weight.  He has not fallen below the yellow line.  He is The Biggest Loser.  I, on the other hand, am just a plain old loser.

Despite the Frenchie facial expression, no dogs were harmed in the staging of this glamor shot.

If you follow me on Twitter, you may have caught my impromptu Tweets from the Vet series between 5:30-7:30 PM EST yesterday.  Clark has been feeling a little under the weather lately, so we made a trip to our friendly, neighborhood vet for a check-up.  When the little dude hopped on the scale, it read 27lbs.  Just six months ago, he was an even 30lbs.  His secret: less food, more exercise.  Not much of secret.

And then the appointment went somewhere strange.

When Dr. KC was examining Clark’s abdomen, his belly was making very loud crackling noises.  I though maybe he had eaten a bottle of hairspray.  Nope.  It was a giant bubble of gas, or as Dr. KC put it, “Clark has a giant fart brewing.”  Never.  Never.  Never in a million years did I think this would be my life: Standing in a vet’s office, talking about giant farts brewing.  Inside my dog.

To give you some perspective, this potential fart is so big, it showed up on Clark’s first x-ray.  What I thought was his lung (I fainted in ninth grade biology, probably on the day that we were learning where body parts are located), was actually an extremely distended small intestine.  Since I caught him eating a Q-tip on Monday and several days earlier he threw up a clump of fur (if he ate a chipmunk I will be soooo mad), the vet thought it best to take another x-ray to be sure there was no, like, blockage.  It took over an hour to get a clean picture, so I found myself sitting alone in a very small room, wondering if I was claustrophobic, feeling pretty certain I was claustrophobic, and reading about flea infestations.  And wanting to die, a little.

Don't bother looking for the fart. This is an old photo from when Clark was a brand new dog. Getting x-rays is sort of a hobby for us.

When Clark was finally brought back to me (from where ever dog x-rays happen), and the doctor was confident there was no blockage (or at least nothing super obvious), we were free to go home.  And by home, I mean to B.Y.O.D. where I bought him a stuffed sperm whale (I don’t know, I just don’t), some salmon, an antler and a raw bone in an effort to speed along the farting process.  Seriously, this is what my life has become.

Should I call some sort of environmental agency and warn them of a potential blast of noxious gas, soon to take place in a small dog crate in South Boston?  Or should I just play it cool?

BREAKING (WIND) NEWS: Thursday, 3/17 9PM. It, um… happened I think.  And we all survived.  Poor little guy does not feel good.

Also On Tap for Today:

What was the weirdest thing you experienced yesterday?

36 thoughts on “Today: My dog is The Biggest Loser.

  1. Hahahahahahaha I’m silently dying laughing at my desk! What they don’t make doggy Gas-x??? They must have something that can speed the process along! Poor little dude, but he’ll be so happy once it passes 🙂 Keep us updated!

  2. This made me laugh so hard I almost cried and then I kept re-reading it and forwarding this to all my friends. Thanks for the pick me up!

  3. I have to know if it came out. Don’t leave me hanging here. Did it peel paint off your walls? For some reason I just have to know!!!

  4. I’m so glad I found this post … I would love to get my dog X-rayed, especially in the morning. It’s at the point where if I wake up and I don’t hear him farting, I get worried. He’s a very gassy little man. I’m glad everything is okay with your baby!

  5. awww… poor little guy!

    my little one had an x-ray this week as well… we were checking for a chicken bone. luckily nothing bad showed up, and she got a stop at B.Y.O.D. on the way home too! 🙂

  6. Well, I lol’d. My dog’s a lot heavier than he should be (but still physically fit) but I’m pretty sure he doesn’t have giant farts brewing.

  7. I saw Clark on CNC and decided to click over…so glad I did. This post is hilarious! We had to take our dog, Gus, into the vet last week for x-rays and he also had gas show up in his x-ray. Lovely.

    Clark rocks. What an awesome dog…love his name!

  8. This is so funny! I actually just had a similar experience with my Boston Terrier. He wasn’t feeling well so I took him to the vet and on the x-rays the vet couldn’t tell if it was just terrible gas or gas caused by an unseen obstruction. I had to hold my laughter back when the vet said “well this could just be a really huge fart.” Oh the life as a owner of a short nosed dog! haha.

  9. haha, this post is great! 🙂 I can totally appreciate what you were going through being the one who’s on the other side of “where dog xrays happen,” I’ve had many clients in your shoes. poor clark!

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